StatsProse: “As the King Chases BLING, Kareem Reigns Supreme”

StatsProse: “As the King Chases BLING, Kareem Reigns Supreme”

Note: The following is a piece from our new “StatsProse” series. Blending prose with statistical analysis, we hope the end goal is something fun and unique for our readers. Enjoy!


“As the King Chases BLING, Kareem Reigns Supreme”

StatsProse #1

By: Paul Ables


In his throne sits the King, gazing down at his rings.

1, 2, 3 they count. BLING. BLING. BLING.

To the left is a chest emblazoned with his crest;

That of “The Chosen One”, only suited for the best.


To the right lies a door, behind which lies more;

A trophy room, in fact! Time to explore.

Inside the small room lies a glass-covered case,

filled to the brim from the top to the base.


Trophies scatter ten-fold, with 4 near the back;

“Most Valuable Player” etched into each plaque.

Besides the case hangs an elderly scroll, which reads

“8 Finals & 46 BLING – can you do much more?”


As we shift our focus back to King James at his throne,

it’s clear he is driven to add more to his home.

For while he possesses many victorious spoils,

others with more causes his blood to boil.


Speaking of which, the door KNOCKS KNOCKS KNOCKS.

In bursts his messenger exclaiming, “Sir, someone mocks!”

“Mocks ME?!” yells the King to his innocent helper;

now ready to punish whom is spreading this slur.


The King asked his servant, “Who is spreading such filth?

Is it Russell the Great, or Sir Wilt the Stilt?”

With a shaking head, the messenger cried anew,

“No, my good King. It is the Great Emperor Lew.”


“The Chosen One” suddenly had dread in his eyes,

and soon after followed with a shrug and a sigh.

Great Emperor Lew was one of the few

who had more BLING, for this he knew.


“Kareem” he was called by his passionate followers,

and with a SkyHook he defeated 38,387 attackers.

By his sheer talent, along with some helpful assists,

Lew defended his kingdom with a flick of the wrist.


And now here he was, talking down about the king;

the servant asked, “Why don’t you settle this thing?!

Go show him who is greater; go show him who’s the best!

Surely with more time, you will pass this noble test.”


At first, silence, and then a slow rumbling laugh

let out from where the troubled king sat at.

He held up his hand and pointed at his rings;

“You see these, good sir? SIX rings has Kareem.”


“You know my room over there past the door –

my trophy room, so full you can’t see the floor?”

My 4 MVP statues are treasures of mine,

yet they pale to the 6 Kareem won over time.”


“I’ve been my kingdom’s All-Star 13 times true,

yet I doubt I ever surpass the 19 from… Great Lou.”

Seeing this challenge as one he may fail,

the great young King began to turn pale.


As the servant rose and departed the room,

King James looked sad, defeated and gloom.

Walking over to his balcony and peering out below,

his kingdom sprawled out with the night sky aglow.


Then, a small flicker appeared in James’ eye;

a bright orange flame that looked up to the sky.

A mockery? A challenge? Another reign supreme?!

King James set his sights on the chase for more BLING.

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